i would love to figure out everything going on. why i'm thinking the things im thinking, what the hell i'm really doing in life, and how things come back to see you with the least expected intentions. i know i'm rrobably kicking myself for all of it, but maybe if something gets explained, i'll be fine.

might be going to gateways prom. i guess i'm carolyn's backup date, but if anyone needs a date, i'd really like to go. seeing as all my friends are.lol

Minus The Bear- Knights

I owe you, don't I?
A little light today
but tomorrow, oh tomorrow.
I owe you, don't I?
I know it ain't the money girl.
There never was money.

It's usually so typical.
A piece of you for a piece of me.
Its hard-coded.
A piece of you for a piece of me.

And it's alright.
Let's call it good.
A little more.
Let's make this even.

It's usually so typical.
A piece of you for a piece of me.
Its hard-coded.
A piece of you for a piece of me.

It's usually so typical.
A piece of you for a piece of me.
Its hard-coded.
A piece of you for a piece of me.

Is it really a sin
if we both come out even?
Come out even.

Rocky Horror Picture Show- Superheroes

I've done a lot, God knows I've tried
To find the truth, I've even lied
But all I know is down inside I'm bleeding.

And Super Heroes come to feast
To taste the flesh not yet deceased
And all I know is still the beast is feeding.

And crawling on the planet's face
Some insects called the human race
Lost in time, lost in space
And meaning.

I will Follow you into the dark- deathcab for cutie

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Hello Livejournal, friends, human beings

it's been a while, and i'm very proud of that. i havent had to console in my computer...i've been living and doing it well. I don't technically have a job, but will in the next week or so being a security guard, which sounds to be steady, bearable work. My best friend is 2 hours away, but the ones i've surrounded myself lately have kept me safe from the binds of depression and boredom. I miss my old friends whom i havent really been around since the last kelly house party. while saddening, i'm in the works of planning much needed time with them. Spring break is upon us and i've technically got two weeks of freedom and bliss. In that time i'll be working on my standup which is a lot better than i thought it would be at this point. My music is taking off with In Spite of Rob's only performance, Between Me and You with some local shows come and gone/ upcoming, Tuckman Marsh Booking The Troc on Mason's Birthday, and my recent induction into The Coastline. The last few months have been filled with emotional confusion, dismay, but mostly, a sense of fulfillment. I know i'm happy, and it lets me feel good about everything lately. i feel like i've been there for people and that is always a good feeling. The only snag therein is the choices i'll have to make the next few weeks. She was hard to crack, and until recently i wasn't sure of what i could expect from her, always acting distant and defensive, but showing signs of a possible break in the binds that were her just not being able to really show the emotions she wanted to feel. And then she has come into my life out of quite literally nowhere and made me smile when i wasn't feeling 100%, giving me the stability i've been craving, having become a complete whore and squandering my emotional sanity. They both are beautiful people. One with intellect and a knack for knowing just how difficult to be to intrigue me. One with the subtle cute moments that just make you say, "wow..." and a certain sense of just being the innocent girl who could flip a switch at any time. If only she would be bold enough to confront me with any clue of how she'd really like to be with me. If only i knew the slightest bit more about her to find if i really could make something gigantic and appeasing happen. Only a bit more time will tell what road that follows, and who will be in my arms wishing that they had not put p such a fight only to find real happiness. I would love to see everyone more and continue to make this one of the best years of my life. Although i get on myself for failing to achieve a normal education, i feel like sticking around will have its upsides and maybe staying close will lead to what i am meant to do with my life. As i sit here on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, i wonder, how much better can this year really get? I'll smile, politely wipe, flush, and head to my quarters only to keep wondering until i wake up tomorrow and live as fearless as i can, delving into the public and letting them digest me only to be spit up into bed tomorrow night wondering the same question with a slight bit more experience and maybe a little assurance that i will find the answers to all these scenarios and questions. With that i say Goodnight Livejournal, and i will not see you soon, but it will be for the right reason. Adieu

i hate my job, might get a better one

i now have 2 completely different sets of friends. it's weird, and most of them leave for college soon

im getting the jeep in february, tryin to put money away for insurance, etc.

i'm still lonely, yes, i've done a lot of fucking around, but i miss being with one person and having someone to share life with

i look good.

i hate school and want to go to real college, but still have a motivation problem and a mental block against my home

jets fucked it up, mets are lookin good for next season, and the rangers are barely holding the division lead and only sent lunqvuist to the all star game...stanley cup?

Band report
The Drawback: sucks without me and i am no longer affiliated with sean wofford
Between Me and You: Needs a better name, to start being original and better, and is filled to the brim with pitman idiots
Tuckman Marsh: had their first practice, will officially be the shit/what i've been looking for for the past 5 years

things aren't wonderful, but they could be much much worse.

so i just decided to drop by and update.

last night was my birthday. it was fun.

i'm a wreck of a person right now with school, a steadily bus job, and a lack of any kind of organized emotions.

even if its going to live with my grandparents, and going to wcc up in peekskill, i need to take some time off from this place, leaving the nest has always been my key to success, which is why i still feel like a failure.

the bands are doing well. the drawback is going to start paying me for gigs and recordings because i pt up with their shit. between me and you actually played a paying gig, and if we're lucky, have several festival shows coming up including a possible 3 day stint with the warped tour.

i'm not a bad person...i just feel like it.

as for you people with real problems, my apologies.

...everything looks perfect from far away. come down down...but we'll stay

you guys know that if i have the power t do something for you, i will.

and if you dont understand that, then the only thing i have to say to you,

is, "oh my god, go fuck yourself" in a very john malcovich-esque voice.

Seriously, the people i still respect, you're awesome. keep it up.

for being there

My jones soda can snapped on me. the liquid is unatainable

huanted trail was cool

work is alright. paris is da shit. (even though when i ask josh to do shit cause paris put me in charge for 5 minutes, he's a dick about it.)

My band has shows coming up the 24th. november 1st and 7th.

i just outwitted veronica about livejournal entries and their validity. wasn't hard.

"shut up"...when you know you've won.

monday classes...Lame.


i'm thirsty.

tom cruise is a weirdo.

my neck hair itches
i think i wanna shave tommorow

just the neck hair though

the chops stay put

i keep avoiding this entry.

i have a headache. it's just annoying.

i wanna watch a movie.

sounds like a good idea.

veronica hates movies.

she's drunk.

yelling and hitting me all the time.

it happens.


i'm a forgiving person.

all i can say is that my life is pretty plain when there;'s no rain.

i like typing fast when it makes sense

me and my two fingers...just typing away

but its not sane....it;s not sahayhayeyayne!

ttyl???

you ignore my advances, and desperate pleas. I wont let you, let me down, so easily...so easily

i literally worked EVERY OTHER shift at wawa this weekend.

next weeks paycheck and this one's should rule.

fafsa went through so i have money, and will most likely be gettin a hold on some transportation between semesters.

as for my horrible moods lately, i mainly attribute them to my workaholism of late, and my ridiculous need for love and affection. neither of which i get on a regular basis, but honestly, who does?

my classes are still easy and going great. my proffesors love me

my band is being retarded, but moving forward with shows and such, none the less.

i need to get out and meet a lot of new people. i think we all do.

um, anyone wanna chill today?

right now i've got a shower, then a nap planned, but i'm free from noon to 6, and then again at 830.

AND!!! no work until friday...who rules?


this guy

"ow, fuck, what the hell is wrong with you?"

that person had just gotten punched for no reason.

why this person got punched, i cannot remember.

What i can tell you, is that the person being punched never really thought long and hard about the times where he was not being punched.

i think that is everyone's problem, present company included.

Ya know, i try and i put myself out there for people to use. not because i'm a weird masochistic moron, but because 90% of things i do, are to make other people happy.

it's been my problem that i base my happiness on the results of my giving. and seeing as i dont have much money to waste, most people are just not satisfied, and it always comes back to me. the way i feel that is.

i've realized that well, you can probably go fuck yourself. nobody imparticular mind you, maybe ishtar, that indian telemarketer. that keeps calling my phone and telling me that he's got curry in a can for 39 cents a barrel.

i digress, it's come to my attention that some people just bask in misery, and that i should really stop trying. some people just have their own happiness, and for me to want any part of it, is out of the question. some people know they want my happiness, and refuse to take it, because...well. there is no good reason. and then there are the people that want my happiness, and i've been too busy trying to share te wealth elsewhere, that i've been a total dick to them.

what i wish i was saying is that i need a hot asian girlfriend, but i'm not. i'm just thinking that.

I need to really check who is worth pleasing, and who is worth bugging i guess.

what do you all think?

never has my mind been honestly going in this many directions.

i dont want to put too much investing into anything because it;s all going to come back and beat my ass.

unfortunately, i'm not a person who enjoys being in limbo too long.

today's colin's birthday. i missed that fucker.

my feelings towards any given person right now, cannot be measured. with few exceptions.

honestly...i want one of you to just grab me, and claim me. i know that you don't know who you are, and chances are, you're not even reading this, but i like to imagine you reading this, telling me how damn cute i am, or how much you love me, even though it's never convincing.

i honestly just only know of 3 things that i want right now. they are vague, but obtainable.

i got a new hat today...still feel like shit.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

p.s. this one you can take relatively serious

with the happiness thing, and the "there's someone out there", and the "i love you"s.

stop it. you make me miserable. i make myself miserable, but you help.

some people have no happiness, and they just want to share someone else's. and some of those people are retarded and have opportunities for happiness...and perpetually throw them away. some of these people experience happiness for short periods of time, and then get upset when things stop happening like that, and then their friends bitch at them for being a downer. some of these people embrace happiness and ride it even when it is almost gone. i envy these people.

I would really like happiness or despair to terminate itself from the world. either would be fine. if we were all miserable, all the time, well miserable would be the new happy, wouldn't it? then we'd all be happy. if despair left the world, well then by default we would all be directly happy.

i hate happiness. i hate love. both are fleeting items that no REAL person can obtain and keep, APPARENTLY.

so dear world. fuck you.

loving always,
Kevin M.F. Hayes

p.s. to all of you taking this seriously right now, shame on you. this is a livejournal entry. it's the one place i get to bitch about being in the weirdest predicament with my sense of joy or all that is good in the world. and i would appreciate comments, but not if they're going to be lame like, "am i one of these people?" or "you just don't know how well you have it" or "you're just typing to hear yourself speak".

i am. get over it. you're apparently reading it to hear me speak, and nothing you ever say in reguards to this is ever based on anything from the 21st century. people change. people are dumbasses, yes...but they change. and we must all change accordingly.


goodnight.

i work in a half an hour all night. come visit.


colin...get the fuck back here

Today was weird.

i don't know how i feel lately. i always revert back to a shitty mood though, it's a bummer.

i slept from about 11:30 last night, until about 3 today...it was amazing.

kind of ironic too, because tommorow i work 3-11.

i hate art class...it's such a downer. i hate these stupid collage projects.

played my first live set with the drawback tonight. good 3 songs. met the son of my elementary music teacher. topher, cool guy.

i miss a lot of people.

and then there are some people i just want to shake violently and scream, "I'M HERE DAMMIT!"

some asshole called my cell phone and was talking about my vote this year...so i fucked with him.lol

man:so what does your vote look like for this year?
me:um...republican?
man:well that's a dick move. here at change the vote, we're looking for progress, and that's a dick move.
me:what?!?
man:do you realize what mccain...
me:Oh!, no i'm voting for Palin.
man and congression of people listening:*grumble grumble grumble*
me:hello?
woman:you realize that if you vote republican it's for mccain, too
me:oh fuck me...oh FUCK ME!...excuse me...i need to go make a baby.


class was boring as hell today. jim mcguigan is completely retarded

some french lady thinks i have her father??? iunno.

i'm so out of it right now...

JKGCYC

i wanna get out of here. i want my own place. with my own car. with a group of friends...

and i want to know that i'll be happy. i want to know that she'll be there smiling back at me...

i want some kind of sign that things can be real good for a while.


i'm so damn tired.

my overnight tonight got fucked to hell...

sometimes there are people who i love, whom i want to take into a room and pistol whip until they start thinking straight.

i need a better diet. i have a feeling that my body is ridiculously shutting down. i have a twitch in my right arm, it's weird.

i just wanna go see colin. colin was the one who always made sense. even if it wasn't what i was thinking.

i have to go play naked twister...brb

i miss my friends.

i miss being part of something bigger than myself.

i miss my band.

i miss feeling good.

i got a better band.

most of my friends are gone and the ones here are busy people.

i'm gunna need some more friends.

ya know, i can only invest myself so much in one person...

i like loren, i do.

but i also miss a certain someone, and it's starting to come back to me. :/

btw, my bank account is like, -200 and some odd dollars because gcc is a bunch of bitches and i need to get my damn financial aid shit in.

Kyle Dunigan is a funny fuck

Loren is awesome. and she's real down to earth. and not to mention...bangin.

Beirut is amazing. they're so chill, and musical.

i went to a piano and violin concert with loren the other night. it was a real breathe of fresh air.

I miss colin. i need to go see that pinko-commie mother fucker.

I hate commercials about periods. in a related story, but not so directly effecting right now...i hate periods.

in a not so related story...the question mark is SOOO underrated.

anyways...

jones soda....good.

knock off honey comb...good.

songs about fat, irish, drunken, gay men who can't march in the st. patty's day parade. awesome.lol

I'm voting for palin because she's alaskan.


but seriously...what if i did?

jordan rubin...almost as funny.

i worked 16 out of the last 24 hours...it was awesome/ one of the worst ideas ever.lol

i'm working the overnight shift on new years eve, the the 2nd shift on new years day...


that's 16 hours of 13.50...i don't have the mental capacity to do that math right now...but it's a lot of money....

that's 216 dollars says my cell phone calculator.

i love the swatch i got in switzerland. it's so damn reliable.

i love my wawa gas shirt...i'm gunna wear it like a regular shirt when it doesn't smell like gasoline, axe, and well...wawa.

i miss mission hill, pete & pete, freaks & geeks, and undergrads....clone hihg... not so much. but i do miss it.

wow...long entry...


um....i walked from rowan to school this past week...wouldn't recommend it. unless you're in an extremely infectious good mood.

i'm done.


...seriously.



&stop.

i love how she loves my hair.

i love how when she thinks about us, she says "isn't i weird how" and then explains exactly whats going on in her head.

i love how i wake up in the morning and she's there.

i love the way she smiles, looks into my eyes, and gets a very serious look.

i love how every time i go to compliment her or say something cute, she beats me to it.

i love how she plays with my head when we're close.

because she likes all of me.

because she's open with me.

because she cares.

because she's really thinking about me/us/life.

because she's just so damn cute.

because she knows.


i'm not exactly sure what this is, but i want to raise it as my own...and one day call it, Ours.

wawa is awesome. working 40 hours a week will keep me focused.

i need to go visit helen and guy for shits and giggles this week.

josh got a truck, i don't know how much i have to put into it to be able to drive or whatever, but josh and i have transportation soon! lol

ok, reguarding my living arrangements. i'm in college. and while i'm not expecting total freedom, i am expecting cooperation with handing over my life. i need a license, a ticket to ride, or someone to help me move into addie's. It's going to get ugly fast...not like i'm trying to make it that way, i just see it coming.

i need some mountain dew...

i miss colin. i called him vie the phone. i almost never call people just to talk. get your ass back here you billy-goat's-gruff son of a batch of cookies.

...on the lang note...the mural has been covered...every time i see it on my way to rowan, my soul cries a single tear.

Um, the jackie i fell in love with in europe died the day i got stranded there. yada yada. Since my liberation, i've had prospects and meandering thoughts. there are frontrunners, and some not-so-promising aspects to deal with, but overall, i'm doin alright.

i was looking through my contacts in my phone today...half of you are gone dammit.

"I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been."-Relient K

i'm gunna keep bein Rev Kev...

and for all you loyal lj fans, there's countless times where i've said that Kevin won't be around...well, he's back. :)

new school

license soon

no jackie

no colin

no jolie

somebody help me?